ON LETTING GO

Aug. 16, 2012

I knew this day was coming. So many years ago, I knew it. My emotions are so mixed and so torn and so trite that putting them into words serves almost no purpose, except to satisfy myself. I cannot project outwards. Like a dog licking its wounds, I can only focus on my own heart. God forgive me that I lapse into self-searching.

Self-searching. Odd, that 24 years ago I began the journey that taught me so very well that it wasn’t about me, that it wasn’t about self.  From the first moment of my ever-present pregnancy nausea, I learned I was living for another life. And then another. And then another.

I gave it my all. I did not give it perfection, because I can’t.  But I gave it my all. For 24 years, I have tried to keep my eye on the ball of motherhood.  It was a marathon of sorts – denying self and plugging on and on and on.

But enough of that. All good mothers know what sacrifice is. Further, the sacrifice begets so much gain: so much love, so many special moments, so much joy.

There will be more of all of the above. But first I have to let go. I have to let go of the messy household. I have to let go of the chaotic routine. I have to let go of the variant noise. I have to let go.

And it hurts. In letting go, there is freedom and there is pain. What am I going to do with it? I don’t know. I will never stop being a mother. Never. But my role has changed. And I’m not sure into what.

I didn’t know what I was getting into 24 years ago. And I certainly don’t know what I’m getting into now. What does God want of me? I only know that most likely it will be big, in its smallness. I know that He wants me to get up every day and live for Him. I know that most of life is mundane, but it is mundane for Him. I cannot see His will for me until I begin to walk His will.

And the first step in His will is to let go. My question is: can I cry my way into joy? Can I howl at the letting go? Yes. I can.

I am not in control. And the sooner I acknowledge this, deep down, the sooner I can get back up and get on with life. When one attempts to stand in the undertow of the ocean, one quickly learns she is not in control. I am not in control. And right now, the One that is in control is telling me to let go.

And so I will.